Skip to main content

Afterlife

The bullet took the man rather by surprise. Why, just a moment before, he was sitting in the park, working feverishly on a crossword puzzle. The last thing that went through his mind, besides the speeding death-bean, of course, was the answer to 11 across: "having escaped or left without permission."

Nine letters, long, begins with an a... Ends in ed, obviously; past tense and all. Aha! It must be 'abscon--

Dead. The bullet killed him instantly. Shot from a gun held by a man believing himself to be Harold Bloom reincarnate. (It mattered little to the man that Harold Bloom was still alive).

But this story is not about the delusional Bloom aspirant. This story is about the dead man with the bloody crossword puzzle in his lap; his name was Harold. This, however, was pure coincidence. As a matter of fact, the delusional man wasn't even aiming for Harold; he was aiming for a pigeon.


Harold felt himself falling gently yet swiftly, as if being lowered by stage wires for dramatic effect.


I smell sesame, thought Harold. Indeed, he was smelling tahini, one of the main ingredients in Hummus, which, as it turned out, was precisely what he was being lowered into.


He sunk into the Hummus until it was about chest deep, his arms hovering horizontally above the creamy snack. Well, well, he thought. Harold had often wondered what might happen to him after he died, but hummus was a wholly unheralded hereafter.


Harold had lived a decent life. Though no saint, Harold committed no major crimes. His friends all thought of him as a perfectly tolerable and even good-natured fellow. By the time that bullet had prematurely put an end to his crossword puzzle solving endeavors, Harold was sufficiently happy with where he had come in life. He was, in other words, not too sorry to expire into a Mediterranean dish at that juncture in his life.


Harold just stayed there for a time, suspended in hummus as he was, to see if something would happen. The paprika started to make Harold's eyes water. The tears distorted his vision, but a sea of hummus looks the same, whether clear or obscured. Anyway, the temperature was nice, and the texture was pleasant enough. Another soul was not to be seen, and the silence was beginning to bother him. He called out towards the hazy, hummus-lined horizon: "Anybody have a pita chip?"


But there was not a pita in sight.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

How Many Will Enter Heaven?

Check out this quote I found online: "[C]onsider this fact: fewer than 20% of people actually think they are going to hell. And yet, in answering that question, Jesus says in Matthew 7 that FEW pass through the gate that leads to eternal life. 80% doesn't sound like few to me... do some of us have the wrong idea?" There are a number of problems with this quote. First of all, you it is assuming that "few" refers to the current ratio of professing Christians to non-Christians. What's to say that Jesus isn't referring to the entire population of all the earth over all time? In that case, it's entirely plausible that 80% of people now are really Christians, as long as there are still few total Christians when all is said and done. Maybe it applies only to the people in the crowd listening to Jesus. Or, it could refer to something else entirely (as I believe). Jesus was talking to a specific people living in a specific time. We cannot decontextualize his ...

Thinking About Marriage

I gave my sister a book about marriage for Christmas. I would have hesitated giving this book to her three months ago. However, my views on marriage have changed substantially since entering college last August. Many people assume that their main calling in life is a vocation, and their spouse should be compatible with that calling. Therefore, people look for a spouse on the premise that if an eligible person cannot or is even uncertain about his or her ability to exist with a partner who does "X" for a living, that eligible person is not "the one." However, I believe this logic is twisted. What is more important to God? I think if we look honestly at the Bible, it is very clear that God places the institution of marriage over the institution of work. Family comes first, right? If you think you have found "the one," there is no need to try to add likely employment position as a qualifier to his or her eligibility. Am I making sense? What I am simply tryi...

Jesus, Lover of my Soul

An old friend and spiritual mentor of mine left a comment on my last "Religious Conversation" Post . It provoked so much thought that I wanted to share it with everybody, because I know quite a few of my religious friends are reading this, and I know quite a few of you who would make a similar statement. Here it is: There is an element in this conversation that is being overlooked (at least, I presume). There is an aesthetic beauty and, more, an affection, which Steven appears to have for God. This is not illogical; in fact, all human beings exhibit it for something. It may be subjective, and it is not conclusive, but it is completely logical. And I can't imagine an argument that would refute it. It is something like a man saying, "I love my wife. I appreciate her many virtues and charms; I believe her to be the woman most worthy of my affection and lifelong commitment." If I say this and someone were to say to me, "But EVERY man says that of his bride!...