One time, my friends and I went to Alden to steal something. Nothing big, important, nothing that, once stolen, would devastate the ex-owner. We drove around until we found the most luxurious house in town (which isn't saying much for a town like Alden) and spying out their front porch decorations. Aha! An elephant trumpeting its trunk. How majestic! How noble! How theft-able! Scott spotted it first, actually. He said, "There it is. We're stealing that elephant." So we circled the block once, talked over our plan, and got into position. The house was well-lit, so we parked the car half a block away, out of the light. Mind you, we parked in the middle of the road, so we weren't exactly inconspicuous. Still, the owners of our target couldn't see us. Michael got out of the car, ran up to the porch, and wrapped his arms around this large and (as we were able to deduce from his body language) very heavy elephant. Michael struggled with it so much, in fact, that he couldn't make it to the car. Several of us understood the idiocy of our plan and exclaimed to no one in particular, "Oh shit! He's not going to make it!" So we drove the car into the exposing light of the rich man's house and opened the trunk for Michael, who promptly threw in the elephant and hopped into the back seat. We sped away, victorious, awaiting the police. After all, we were literally the only moving car in all of Alden, and no doubt several of the neighbors observed with considerably suspicion this strange car parked in the middle of the road.
We tried to make our escape a number of times, but couldn't remember how to get back to Sterling. So we ended up driving up and down Main Street three or four times. I was thinking, "Jesus, we're just asking to get caught."
But we didn't. We made it back to Sterling without anybody following us, without anybody coming out of the house. Hell, for all we know, nobody even noticed we were there.
Do I feel bad about what we did that night? Not really. We targeted the richest-looking property in town. I like to think of it as wealth equalization. The equalizers have never been looked upon favorably by the wealthy. But they're heroes. Our actions weren't exactly heroic. After all, we didn't meet anybody else's needs by stealing this elephant. We did, however, stick it to a rich man. A man content with parading his wealth by displaying costly animal molds on his front porch. What a dick. No, I don't feel bad in the slightest. Besides, it made a cool mascot for Campbell basement for a while, and it's served as a great conversation starter.
I think the elephant is happier too. Who likes being a trophy? Nobody. Almost nobody. Nobody of noble standing, anyway. The elephant is much happier, I'm sure, chilling out with college students than freezing his giant gray ass off in front of some rich guy's house.
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