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The Theotritionist

*** for the privacy of my clients, I have altered the names of some of the deities mentioned in this article ***

My name is Daniel Beeber, and I am a Theotrionist.
Theonutritionist (n.)
One who is an expert in the nourishment and dietary intake of deities. Also, theotritionist.

On a practical level, this means I always have work. Deities are notorious for their digestive complications. But who doesn't have digestive problems nowadays, right? Our governments subsidize shitty food and big business makes it impossible for good food to become popular. Anyways, people think deities are different, but they really aren't. Input always affects output. Oftentimes, deities have trouble in the shitter because of lousy nourishment.

Early in my career as a theotritionist, I worked with a god named Joe Hova. Although Lord Hova had a robust and zealous following, his diet consisted primarily of grazing mammals, like goats, sheep, and bulls. Occasionally, Hova would consume some bird or another. By itself, this diet is not detrimental, though unusually high in protein and saturated fat. The problem for Joe Hova was that he feasted on this meaty diet with an unhealthy amount of sin, resulting in lots of gas and a nasty case of loose stool. Dieting deities describe this phenomenon as Atkins-Sin Syndrome (ASS).

"I've got quite a case of ASS, I'm afraid," Joe Hova said to me when he first came into my office. Hova and I worked together to come up with a slightly more liberal diet, which included animals with cloven feet, animals that chew on the cud, leavened bread, and pork. On an unrelated note, this is about the time his PR man, Mike Barklowski, completely renovated his public appearance. These major changes, though unpopular at first with his stockholders, eventually proved effective.

Yes, my name is Daniel Beeber, and I am a theotritionist. I used to enjoy my work, but lately, I've grown tired of all of these deities. They seem so dated, like I'm mending the wings of the last few Dodos. And the more unpopular the deities become, the crankier they get. It's all jihad this and spiritual warfare that. I feel like I'm on the wrong side of the Waco siege.

I think I'll quit my job and get a job with the park service. I like the mountains. Maybe I'll just live in the mountains for a while, clean up trash along the trails. Anything to get away from these damned sickly deities.
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