Skip to main content

The Theotritionist

*** for the privacy of my clients, I have altered the names of some of the deities mentioned in this article ***

My name is Daniel Beeber, and I am a Theotrionist.
Theonutritionist (n.)
One who is an expert in the nourishment and dietary intake of deities. Also, theotritionist.

On a practical level, this means I always have work. Deities are notorious for their digestive complications. But who doesn't have digestive problems nowadays, right? Our governments subsidize shitty food and big business makes it impossible for good food to become popular. Anyways, people think deities are different, but they really aren't. Input always affects output. Oftentimes, deities have trouble in the shitter because of lousy nourishment.

Early in my career as a theotritionist, I worked with a god named Joe Hova. Although Lord Hova had a robust and zealous following, his diet consisted primarily of grazing mammals, like goats, sheep, and bulls. Occasionally, Hova would consume some bird or another. By itself, this diet is not detrimental, though unusually high in protein and saturated fat. The problem for Joe Hova was that he feasted on this meaty diet with an unhealthy amount of sin, resulting in lots of gas and a nasty case of loose stool. Dieting deities describe this phenomenon as Atkins-Sin Syndrome (ASS).

"I've got quite a case of ASS, I'm afraid," Joe Hova said to me when he first came into my office. Hova and I worked together to come up with a slightly more liberal diet, which included animals with cloven feet, animals that chew on the cud, leavened bread, and pork. On an unrelated note, this is about the time his PR man, Mike Barklowski, completely renovated his public appearance. These major changes, though unpopular at first with his stockholders, eventually proved effective.

Yes, my name is Daniel Beeber, and I am a theotritionist. I used to enjoy my work, but lately, I've grown tired of all of these deities. They seem so dated, like I'm mending the wings of the last few Dodos. And the more unpopular the deities become, the crankier they get. It's all jihad this and spiritual warfare that. I feel like I'm on the wrong side of the Waco siege.

I think I'll quit my job and get a job with the park service. I like the mountains. Maybe I'll just live in the mountains for a while, clean up trash along the trails. Anything to get away from these damned sickly deities.
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Clink (New Friends)

Each other is all we have. It's no surprise, then, that when we think about the chapters of our lives, those chapters usually begin and end with the beginning and ending of relationships. My current chapter began in July 2016, when I made the move from Philadelphia to Denver. In many ways, it was the fulfillment of a promise made between Peace Corps friends; Carly, Evan, and I spoke often of our desire to live in the same place some day, and after two wonderful years spent with Kyla, it was time for me to join them.

The great advantage to this arrangement is that Evan and Carly had been cultivating friends in my absence, so upon my arrival last summer, I was met with a wonderful group of people who had been carefully conditioned by Evan and Carly to like me.

Readers of this blog will remember Evan and Carly from my Peace Corps days. They were the closest I had to family for two years, and by the end of our service, we were inseparable.


Pappy. Pop-pop. Dilly-dally. Evan is know…

Reaction to Dante's Hell as Portrayed in Dante's Inferno

Since its Patristic roots, the Church has struggled with two seemingly contradictory aspects of God's nature. One one hand, God is said to be loving and caring towards his creation. At the same time, however, God is seen as a judge, dealing out justice to all according to their actions. Some Christians have argued that God, due to his overabundance of love, can never punish or cause harm. Other Christians have no qualms in maintaining that a loving God sends people to Hell, even against their own will. Most fall in between these two extremes. I would maintain that Dante's view of punishment in Hell errs on the side of the latter extreme, given the assumption of a loving God as described in Christian literature. The God portrayed in Dante's Inferno punishes based on gross oversimplifications. His God ignores the larger picture of human psychology and sociological influences in addition to the rehabilitative capacities of wrongdoers.

Good parents do not punish their children …

Love in the Peace Corps

I joined the Peace Corps because I wanted to connect with the rest of the world, to see life from the perspective of the oppressed, to spread joy and wonder and curiosity to new places. I did not join, in other words, to find a girlfriend.
Why was it then, that as soon as I walked into my hotel in Philadelphia, I felt like a college freshman? I couldn't get through my first elevator ride without my heart-rate increasing and my breath shortening.
The feeling returned during our introductory meetings: the nervousness, the flurry of disordered thinking that accompanied moments of eye contact.
Damn you, body. Why must you sabotage everything good in this world?
I talked this over with my friend Ted on day one in Morocco. I was prepared for the bugs and dirt and cultural difficulties that come with Peace Corps, but nothing could prepare me for the onslaught of charming, independent-minded, attractive girls that I would be meeting throughout those first weeks. He agreed. It was eerie how ma…